When I first sat down here, about 4 hours ago, and opened up my main browser to look and see if I had anymore comments on my TT post, I felt really good. I mean, sure I'm not wonderfully super popular (I never expected to be), but at least SOMEONE read SOMETHING on my blog and found it interesting. I don't want a lot of people commenting on my blog, that's really not what it's for (and there are certain people I point towards my blog that I REALLY don't want commenting on it), but I always did wonder who and/or how many people read my blog. Mine's a listed blog, but I doubt a lot of people like to "blog surf" like I often do, with those "next blog", "last blog" buttons, and come upon mine. But I wouldn't know either, now would I, if I don't leave my comments section open, huh?
Now I feel kinda low. I don't think the headache that, when I went in to put P to bed (at 11, ugh!), I realized I'm getting helps any. This time my teeth definitely are NOT to blame. I think this stinkin' place doesn't help any. It's not nearly big enough for 4 people, possibly adding T's mom would just be CRAZY, and I CAN'T STAND IT because the place is LITERALLY falling apart!!! Yes, the leaks in my ceiling still exist and, even though I wanted to call the resident manager at least twice today, I didn't get my phone, fingers and my ear to work together towards that goal at the same time. Sometimes I had the phone in my hand, sometimes I was thinking about it, but not ever at the same time, and any time I asked people to get me the phone no one really did, and now it's kinda too late to inquire about what the last thing he did about it was. He told me something about how he was going to get a new pipe for the water, since the one that has been there gees who knows how long and was getting no water pressure but now is (what difference does that faucet make in water pressure? He replaced that the other day up there) is cracked. I hate having the constant sound of water dripping in this room, it smells funny...I think I will be taking the fellow Girl Scout mom (who happens to know some other tenants here in the park) up on her offer of getting my landlord and resident manager (even though I'll tell ya I think he really is a good guy deep down) in some trouble with the state. Actually, what I would PREFER is just to get out of here. Right now our credit is so HORRIBLE that it's IMPOSSIBLE to buy a home, even if we wanted to do it here.
But, through it all, all I'm trying to do is turn it to Him. He'll get us out of here when and/or if we are supposed to.
A short time later: I recently got done talking with my wonderful mentor with the candle biz. I found a house nearby in the rental ads that I know is on the market. I talked with her about different things, including how much I can't stand this place. Sometimes I wonder what it is that's holding me back---me and my expectations or me and my fears. I wonder often if it's not the latter. I have big dreams.
At the base it's to take care of my family. Often I may not live up to that, spending too much time on things like the computer, things that center my time on myself and not the rest of the family. But I want the peace of mind of knowing my bills are paid (most of them are, the basic heat, water, electric are, plus phone and cable especially now that they are forever again linked, but there are a few bills that people keep bugging me about that I didn't realize at the time would grow so big---20% insurance multiplies easily, and 20% of an $80 bill is a lot different than 20% of a $2000 one. :-( And those bills have existed since 2005. Yeah, guess what's it's from?). It's part of why I started the candle biz. But I question how much I really want it...
I question a lot of things. My faith sometimes. I believe, but do I believe enough? I want to take care of the family, clear away the bills, but do I really give all of the time I need to to them? Really, right now I want to curl up in a little ball and just weep for a while. Even though it's 2 in the morning, that's not really an option. I need to go to bed. I'm going to do the candle thing next Saturday. I'm a bit depressed because this house is a mess and that stupid hole in the ceiling doesn't help one bit :-( The last thing I want to do is come to God with a greedy heart, asking Him to do for me when I'm not even sure I do for him, and expecting something in return when I do. That's part of what's holding me back with tithing....am I putting what I put on the check because I want to give back to Him and thank Him for giving us what He has, or am I giving back in expectation of getting more back in return? It freezes me and just about brings me to tears.
Well, I guess I'll spend the rest of this weekend deep in prayer, even while I go around and do other things. I should write down what it is in a new apartment that I feel we need.
- 3+ bedrooms, more rationally 4 so his mom can move in. Looks like we're the ones that will be blessed with that.
- 2 baths (I mean, really...she needs her own. We can handle using the same one :-))
- laundry hookups---I've got the machines
- hardwood floors---I can't stand rugs, even though I don't mop in the kitchen often. But that's a bit of a hassle, you don't know my kitchen floor---I can't really tell where it's dirty and where it's not a lot of the time (see the evil pattern? Picture courtesy of my 2 year old. Yes, sometimes we let him loose with the camera because he just loves the whole thing of taking the pictures, with the noise it makes and the flash. I'm his favorite papparazzi subject, according to T):
- 2 floors. None of our apartments have had 2 levels.
- somewhere to STORE things we don't need 24/7 right out in the middle of everywhere. So a basement would be nice. Craft stuff may or may not go down there---if we can have 4 bedrooms plus at least one room or a good amount of space that can handle the computer---something like the cubby hole at the house we went to the estate sale at today would be good, looks like once it was a little closet or something (hey, THAT house would
be cool, even! ;-))---it would be nice, then I can stick things out of the way and have my VERY OWN, PERSONALLY HOSTED HOME PARTY!!!!! In my OWN HOME!!!!! - open floor plan. I'd like to be able to look from my living room into my kitchen, and especially vice versa
- safety. I don't want to worry about the little guy toddling out a door easily. I want that open floor plan bad---I want to be able to see the main living areas from each other.
- dry basement. This would be the best place to store thing we're not using. And maybe turn part of it into her bedroom for the time she's with us. Or not. But I want a basement.
