July 31, 2007

Things to do...

Well, I'm still feeling a bit lost, wondering about my place in the world, etc. I know there are so many things I have to do---get things in order and start working people about the candle biz, get back to writing, get this house clean. Right now it all feels a bit overwhelming. A good thing---I did finish Harry Potter #7. I like how it ended, somewhat. But I won't second guess her---not my job as a writer or a reader. I'm not sure it would have been right if it had gone any other way.

Damn I wish I could write that good though :-\ I probably do, I'm just not giving myself enough credit. :-\

Well, gotta get to bed and start a new day. I have some money related things to do in the morning/tomorrow. :-)

July 29, 2007

Not a bad weekend.

We went to the fair yesterday. It was actually pretty fun. We even started out really nice and early. I don't think I've ever been to the fair THAT early before---we went through the gate about 12:30. We walked around a bit because the rides hadn't started yet, and looked around the exhibition hall at all the entries. I've got to enter something in the fair next year, and I have an idea of what I want that to be. The tablecloth---but not the one I made, another one with a different thickness of thread---slightly thicker, and I'm going to try for all one color, white. And I want really bad for T to enter a picture or two. We also have to sit down and figure out what pictures he's going to enter for a local contest. I've got to see if he'll sit down and do that today or tomorrow. The contest ends on Tuesday.

On our way home from the fair, we stopped at WalMart and I got a copy of Harry Potter #7. I wanted to read all the others again first, but I saw the price there, and finally more were in stock, so I got it! :-)

Today has gone smoothly as well. I stayed up until almost 3 reading HP#7, so I got up later than I wanted to. I went out about 1 for my route, and it was basically done by 5, which is when it's to be out---by 5 on Sunday. Not bad for doing it all myself (my daughter ended up being a pain while I was filling the bags, so I told her she got to stay home.). D did do 1 street, not far from the house---she's getting older and I'm letting her have a bit of freedom once in a while. Being a parent to an older child isn't easy---but I'm sure that's not a surprise to some!

Now we're off to see my mom before T has to go to work. :-)

July 28, 2007

One more, then bed

So I got thinking about the theme that seems to be running through my head lately.

I checked myself, thought about it for a few minutes, and found that, yes, I still feel lost. Right down half the time to what I'm supposed to be doing at that moment sometimes.

But a thought occurred to me. Let me see if I can recreate it in my mind first....


Well, I can tell for sure I'm not scared. I've stated before, I've got my family around me. They are the why for everything. Staying home with my babies, being a wife to my hubby, being who I am and enjoying what I do. Where we're going and how we're going to be able to take care of what we have to take care of is beyond me right now.

I want to know why I feel so stuck and out of sorts. The out of sorts part to some degree has always been there. I'm where I'm supposed to be and with who I'm supposed to be with, but the rest of it just feels off. I can't totally explain it.

And I don't know why things aren't clicking for me. Why I've got the problems I do---why I can't get that brass ring I'm supposed to be able to. I mean, I'm smart and sweet and kind and full of potential, but I'm just not living up to it. And I'm strong, I can get through anything because I was given a very happy, safe and secure base. But it feels like after I get to the idea portion, it just all sorta fizzles out. And I don't see why. I haven't had any major problems in my life, other than the Depo Provera....that's it. That's the worst. I had great parents, a great childhood---everything should be going RIGHT, why is it going so WRONG???

I'll figure it all out one day, for now I've got to get to bed. We're going to the fair tomorrow :-) My dh has the evening off :-)

July 27, 2007

And another one....maybe some work?

Yeah, maybe...

I've got to kick this place into a higher gear of shape (does that make sense?). So, a small PODA. I originally sat down to write this a while ago, I just got into other things (like the items on this list). :-) Good thing, eh?

Fold washed clothes - done
Make dinner
Sweep floor (kitchen & bathroom) - done (delegated)
Peeve off daughter - done

So far so good...I'll report back later, listing what other things I want to get done over time. Let's hope one day I'm actually able to hold to one of these lists or another...:-\

If I start earlier, maybe, just maybe....

I'll end up going to bed earlier....wouldn't that be nice?

Well, I've done a little touching up around here---not that that means much really, because the house is still in shambles. :-(

But, now maybe this is because it IS only 1:30 in the afternoon, or maybe the good bit of rain we had washed them away, but I haven't heard from the trailer court terror yet! :-) We were up a lot earlier than it seems those who haunt us and who haunt with us are. I can presently hear the younger brother of the 2 girls D usually plays with crying. I do wonder if he's okay. He likes to watch out the window a lot---poor little guy, he's just over a year old---and I know they like to both stay up late and get up late.

My little guy managed to bring the little car I bought him to ride around in a bunch in the house. It's actually kinda funny how he moves that thing up and down to different elevations. I'm not going to complain that he brought it in---as long as he doesn't run into anything, I think we will all be fine :-)

I'm contemplating bringing another website into the world. I have 2 different accounts set up already, in addition to the one I've had like forever---I've been looking at it these last few days off and on, and it makes me kinda sad to see how horrible I used to be at them. I'm thinking about reading through my HTML text book from the class I took, so I can figure out and learn style sheets. That should go a long way into making my website look polished. I'm also going to add a lot of things I've learned or my husband has learned or done---pictures and picture editting mainly. Of course right now all we have to edit pictures is Paint, but it's a start. I wish I could get my hands on another copy of Paint Shop Pro---now THAT was fun. I made some really great AOL icons once, several of them for Retro Man! :-)

Did I mention that RM is on the web?? Yes, it is----on YOUTUBE. A friend of my friend, the director, writer and star, who is also in the movie, posted it in 4 parts on his YouTube page...I don't know if YOU will get it, but maybe you'll understand why I love it so much. I mean, it's a DASjr original---who can't love that??? And DASjr is a SWEETHEART!!! :-D

So, go check out...


Another day...

Still have to deal with those kids. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I pray really hard about it right now. I'd like to say something to the police, but they haven't done much other than talk. Cheap talk at that. I wish there was someone to go to like when I was in middle school. Back then there was one girl my age who picked on me a whole lot, really mean like too. The new principal that year---it would have been my 7th grade year---he told us that if there was anyone treating us like that and bullying us, to go to him and he'd help us take care of it. So, that's what I did---she was nasty to me, and I went to him about it. We both went to his office to talk about it, and boy oh boy---he wasn't yelling, or mean to her, we just all sat down at the table in his office and talked, him talking to her about it, and me telling him what was going on. The whole time I had my head held high, and her head was down and she was picking at a tissue in the box in the middle of the table. Now I'm wishing for another person of authority like that---that will talk some SENSE into this kid!!! I'm thinking if I DO go to the police, it would be to ask them what to do about it. What makes me feel the saddest about it all is that I'm supposed to be one of those authority figures who are supposed to solve this for my daughter. I can't do that anyhow because this kid just pisses me off so bad---him, how he acts, his situation, the fact that his mom either doesn't care or is just in some HORRIBLE state of denial (any person like that just makes me really really sad)---she complains that HE gets picked on by everyone, everyone blames him for what he doesn't do, every other kid's parents are the bad ones (like the kid he's hanging out with now :-\), etc etc etc. It makes me sick. We had a nice storm several weeks ago, and we all stood in a group by the garage as the electric company was here taking care of things. We were all talking, and the subject somehow came around to this kid who is riding around on his bike all the time, because the kid had not gone home during the rainstorm, despite the trailer park terror's insistence. Sure. And she complained about how horrible HIS parents must be, letting him ride his bike around at all hours of the day, alone, etc....where as this kid...he's been down in the middle of town in the middle of the night, he bucks authority, etc.

But you know, I'm intent on not letting this kid keep me in the house anymore. I've kept inside the house for the last 2 years, not now. No, this is my trailer park too, this is a place I pay for, I deserve to be able to use it freely. The sidewalk is a public place---if I need to use it to lose weight, I have the right to do so, he can't keep me from it.

I'm asking the universe for a lot now. I'm praying for enough money to cover things we have to pay and now this.

July 25, 2007

Happy Happy Day!!!

Today is indeed a happy day. :-D

If you have gone to my myspace page anytime before I set it to private, you will have seen that there's a certain someone that I've been wanting badly to see or talk to.

Well, when we were on our way back into the middle of town from dropping something off at D's school, we passed by his parents house, and they were outside. I know they haven't been around town for a while---a year or more---because I couldn't find their number in the phone book or get through with their number after I found it in older phone books. :-) So, I ended up talking to his mom for a while, over at the library (I had to print out a couple things), then I called him this evening after T got up :-D (I had to ask him where the picture of our calling card was :-)). Hopefully I will be talking to him more!!! I miss him, he's one of my oldest and best friends :-) Being able to talk to him made a day that had a few bad spots (specifically a certain child in this trailer park using a kid that used to be D's friend to have a little fun with the girls...I mean, they could at least make their insults original. "D's mom is fat" is kind of obvious. The good thing about it is that their quality of insults didn't get much worse than that. I guess it just goes to show their brain power. :-D I heckled back for them to get some original insults.) brighter. :-) Not that, now that I think about it, it was all that dark before they started into their stuff.

I haven't bought the new Harry Potter book yet. I'm going to. I'm hoping to find it for a decent price---at WalMart it's $18 something. I'm not even going to try to look at the local bookstore, but I might try one of the big local supermarkets. I'm thinking that D is right and it was sold out at WalMart when we were there yesterday. I got to thinking with the kids, what would Harry Potter do? Heck, yes, even put in what would Jesus do? They'd both sit out and wait for the stupid people to move along. They always do---they find something or someone new or different to occupy their small minds, and all you have to do is realize that, while they may grasp what they are doing in that moment, they don't quite get it and how it fits into the whole picture---they don't get that they will move along, and you will move along, and they will probably not achieve what it is that they are hoping to accomplish. If you just realize that their minds and ambitions are much smaller than your own, then you can move on and deal with the momentary discomfort of some stupid kid running around on his bike making small insults. Hell, he was riding his bike and my son was playing with one of his soccer balls. The ball rolled across to the wall of this garage that's on the edge of the property, the neighbor's garage, and I went after it with my son. In doing this, I had myself between my son and this stupid kid. I figured, the kid has to learn that he's not the only one out there, that he has to watch for other people. He heckled me and said "hey, watch out, there's traffic coming through here." I thought it but didn't say it---"yeah, too bad for you that you'd learn that pedestrians have the right of way." Because, if one of us got hurt because he ran his bike into us (or, when he gets older, his car---or his mom's), then he'd be the one getting in trouble. He has to watch for us, not the other way around. Dumb @$$. LOL

So what did I do when they were doing their stuff. I paid more attention for most of the time period to what my kids were doing, and playing with them and making them happy---namily my little guy. We were sitting on the porch, and my little guy and I were rolling his balls back and forth. He was giggling himself silly. And when I didn't have to do that, I was praying. Praying hard. That this kid would get his comeupance. To be honest, there were so many times that I wished that kid would misjudge when he was going across the street we live on---a very busy street---and get hit. Few people deserve it, but he makes it pretty close. Now I don't want that---it would be too good for him. Should he survive, he'd get babied, felt sorry for. No, I want something where people---ESPECIALLY HIS MOTHER---see his true colors. What's sad, it might take until this kid is OLD---older than me---for it to really show thru. And until then we all have to deal with his garbage! :-( There have been times we thought for sure that the landlord would kick them out of here---one of the kids throwing a firecracker or something back there just about 2-3 months after P was born, when he convinced the kid upstairs that it would be fun to push a skateboard and then he pushed their little wagon into our front screen door, and many other events---but no. Nope, she was even behind in rent once, managed to find someplace to pay for it for her, and boom she was staying.

You might notice, I added more weigh-in totals to my weight loss table. It seems I've now broken the 300 barrier! I hope this sticks this time!!! I don't feel much different right now---my stomach has been feeling flatter (for what that's worth :-S), and my clothes actually FIT, some of them are LOOSE---but I don't feel much else. Not too much different from when I turned 30, LOL!!! Maybe when I'm closer to 250 I'll feel a difference :-)

I'm not sure what else there is for now. So I guess that means I can go to bed :-)

July 22, 2007

Another thing I know....

Is that with my site I want it to be different than other ones out there, yet still have it relevant. I was considering earlier, while thinking about my mussing last night, what is it that's so unique about me? Many elements of my personality are "normal," I'm not unlike lots of other people. I mean, it has occurred to me, what's so special about me that I need to have a blog? Who, outside of my own friends and family, really cares about what goes on in my everyday life, what I do day in and day out, what a struggle things like doing housework or dealing with my weight loss is for me? Who cares? What makes ME so special? Yeah yeah yeah, you'll give me the whole spheale (??) that I'm a unique person with unique talents, and all that garbage, and that's what makes me special---but what is it about me that's really different? It sorta makes you feel really small when I realize you're one of many---millions of parents, sisters, daughters, wives, friends, redheads, crocheters, writers, Weight Watchers members, book readers, Harry Potter fans, WNYers, country music listeners, gripers (everyone has something to gripe about), people in debt, SAHMs, computer users, drivers, college graduates, Mia Bella Distributors, consumers....

Is it the combination of all the things I am that makes me unique? What is it????? I'm again feeling very lost and small. I guess I'm stuck again :-\

One more thing....

Starting to gain some understanding.

First, I want to make a note: Thank you Cindy :-)

I've been thinking lately, I feel a bit lost. I don't know...well, a lot of things. In general, about life, I feel sorta like I've reached a plateau. A way I put it earlier is I'm on a road in the middle of the night (or, now I'm thinking, a moonless night), and I can't see anything. Another way I came up with (just now too), is that we're on a camping trip, and it's the middle of the night. We're not even at a state park (like the camping trip we recently had), but out in the middle of the wilderness...I've got what's most important to me---my family and who I am---but I don't know where we're going, I don't know what's coming next, we're just sitting, waiting for the next day. We might be asleep---I think we're past the point where we can see anything around us by the campfire light. And I definitely feel like I'm waiting for the next thing, maybe in some sort of slumber or suspended motion. All I can see---or feel---is what's most important to me---again, my family and who I am.

I've been thinking about sitting down with my journal and trying to figure this all out. I've gotten this far thanks to talking with Cindy (which is why she deserves some thanks). And now I've sorta constructed (?) the idea of where I am, and I feel the obligation to figure out where I'm going from here---but not totally. I mean, figuring out where from here would seem the most logical step. Evaluating where I am, where I've been, and thus where I'm going and where I want to go, and the steps it takes to get there. But I don't feel the need to just yet. And no matter what I do, I feel COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY CONFUSED.

I know there are some plans I made before having P that still exist---I'm still a writer (I just haven't written in about 4 months :-(-grrr), I still have a desire and a deep seated need to create, however that maybe, I want the candle biz to succeed so I can stay home with P (okay, that one's not from before I had him, but after), I want to eventually work in a library, I want to live in Colorado....but I'm just totally lost. I feel like I'm waiting for a lightning bolt to come out of the sky (not literally, those are too scary no matter how cool they are to watch), but I don't want it to be too bad, ya know? We've got so many bills hanging over our heads, I feel worried that the lightning bolt will not be good, which helps me feel confused and freezes me up.

So what have I discovered in this?

1. I know my priorities=my family and being me.
2. I don't know where we're going from here.
3. I don't want the catalist for finding out to be something bad.
4. I know I "should" be figuring all this out, but I'm just too scared to.

Yeah, I think that's about it. There is one big thing in my life that is improving...my body seems to be renewing itself, with losing the weight while I go to Weight Watchers, and reestablishing the hormones that most other ladies are used to dealing with. I got used to them from 12-20, now I have to figure out navigating that stormy sea all over again. With 2 kids :-\ One of whom will be learning herself soon as well!

Well, I've got to hit the hay as I need to get up early tomorrow to deliver papers then head up to Buffalo for a get together. Take care for now :-)

July 15, 2007

Finally, a breath...

Finally, I can take a breath. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my brother in law---I love ALL of the family a married into (even their grandma, though I could take or leave her :-\)---but it's just nice to get my home back. It was getting uncomfortable---this house is NOT big enough for 5 people---it's hardly comfortable for 4!!!

I've got a LOT of work to do. I've got to clean every room---which is going to be difficult because my right hip/lower back has been hurting for the last 2-3 days, and I don't know why---and I've got lots of other chores to do. I plan to get to bed soon. And I've got to get back on the bandwagon with Weight Watchers. I was slipping BEFORE my bil showed up, I just sorta gave up on it the last week or so. And BOY do I feel it. I feel sluggish and heavy, and my digestive system---UGH! So, in my shopping trips to Aldi's and my using what I have in the house, it's going to be just as CORE as I can possibly get!!! I've done GREAT on that, and I've FELT GREAT because of it, so it's the way to go! :-D And I've found some GREAT recipes as well, and I know of one I'm going to try to make in the next couple of nights, or maybe after Tuesday as that's the day I'm going to get my weight checked and "reset" everything. :-| I can not wait for next Thursday to arrive---not the 19th, but the 26th....oh wow, now that I consider it, the FINANCES are going to need some SERIOUS revamping as well. At least next month is a 5 paycheck month :-S....

So, money problems, close quarters and bad eating aside.....my bil's visit went pretty well. We had some fun, we sat around the house a lot, and I got to know him a bit better. I'm not sure what more to say, because I'm getting tired here, so I will be going to bed :-)

July 14, 2007

Posting things on the web....

Someone in the candle group (my mentor, to be exact) posted an idea for something, and I got right on it, fishing around for some ideas and using some computer know-how that I have :-) So I'm going to start posting to blogs the best I can, with a blog button I just created myself! :-) Go me!!! I've got to make sure it's the right size, though, but that's fairly easy :-D

So here it will sit, so I can bounce it to other sites. Pretty, isn't she? :-) It might be a bit basic, but she WILL get better as I learn how to play with the computer more. I've done more "advanced" items, but we no longer have useable versions of stuff like PaintShopPro :-\ Oh well...I try :-D