April 28, 2005

Catching up.

The last few days have been fairly busy. My husband's extractions went well. I remember them saying I was only out for 10 minutes wit my last. He wasn't really out, he was just sort of there (from his description...I don't remember a thing they did when they pulled my last one, because I went to the same dentist, I went to what I call "The White Place"...even wrote a poem about it once, not a long or good one, but...). He was in maybe an hour total, and I think it probably took them a half an hour tops to get the stuff done.

It's another month until I'm 29. It's not that I can't wait, but I'm not one of those who feels like 30 is the end of the world either. I'm actually looking forward to it! :-) We don't have anything major planned, though the next Star Wars episode comes out, and my husband wants to go out and see that. I don't know if I could sit in a movie theater for that long, and I wonder if someone won't have fun jumping around with all the loud noises I know will be going on while watching that movie. I just want to get through this pregnancy and be done with it, have the baby here and be happy. Not that I'm not, but I just can't wait until I've got my body back!!! The pains are normal, but I don't like them :-( Just about 6 more weeks of this!!!

My mom seems to be doing better. I talked to her this morning, while she was in dialysis, and she sounded tired, but overall she's been sounding a whole lot better, when we don't catch her in dialysis :-) Much better. :-) I talk to her last week for what must have been 10 minutes, and she was the one who was keeping the conversation going---sure, it was a lot of questions, but she was interested and engaged and wanted to sit and listen. Well, with her down there, there's little I can just call her up and tell her about. My husband has the "I'll think she's better when she's walking through the door"---any door up here, which I understand, but my dad and I can still celebrate the little things, too. My sister too. I have to have my mom talk to my daughter next time I talk to her, because she's missing her grandma. She's just too sweet, I could start a blog with all the stuff she does everyday. Such light and love comes from her---I don't want to extinguish it, the same with this little one's. It's amazing some of the random thoughts that come from my husband. She was sitting in the back seat while we were getting gas today, at a full service place, and out of the blue he made the comment that he wondered what this little one is going to be interested in. I've wondered too---but it's just the way he comes out with it. They are both so precious, and I'm excited to add another person to this family. I feel so much like I'm just in suspended animation until someone comes along---I can't experience their growth in the world yet, I can't do some of my own (how badly I still want a job, especially after that one I saw in the paper a few weeks ago....). But the time when I can do all that will get here, and I will feel it's moving way too fast when it does. It sometimes seems like yesterday I was pregnant with our soon to be 9 year old!!!!

April 21, 2005

Late night confession

Okay, it's one of those times for a late night confession. I'm just tired enough for this to be a whim, but it's all true...

My favorite kind of actor is a funny one. A comedian. Probably explains why I'm married to the man I am. Anyhow, because I prefer funny men, my top three actors at the moment are Robin Williams (also an Oscar winner :-D), Jim Carrey (which is a big surprise, cause I used to intensely dislike him because of how horrible his humor had gotten) and---the big late night confession---Ashton Kutcher. The reason why I like funny men, which can be proven with all 3 of these examples---even Ashton---is that they can actually play both sides of the drama face very well. Robin won his Oscar by, I believe, his work in Good Will Hunting, and while it was panned over for an Oscar, Jim Carrey was actually pretty good in The Majestic (which is one of my husband's favorite movies). Ashton also did well in The Butterfly Effect.

Ashton has to be the biggest surprise as a favorite of mine. But he kind of reminds me of a guy I knew in high school. I didn't much like him either, right off the bat, but I have to say they have several characteristics in common. They come off as self important, but are actually rather deep people (well, I hope the guy from high school is deeper than I percieved him to be). They play both comedy and dramatic roles very well (he was in nearly every play from our sophomore year, I believe, on). I've found out several surprising things about Ashton that make me pay attention when he's on. He plays a rather ignorant character on The 70's Show, but he's smart enough to have been working on something like genetics in college. Honorable, very honorable...

The real crazy thing would have been emailing that guy from high school though. I've got his email address copy and pasted in the computer gith now...

April 20, 2005

Hump day Wednesday.

Well, today's just another day really. It's the rest of the week that will be hectic. Tomorrow to be exact, since my husband is getting two of his teeth pulled. He'll be sleeping most of the day for sure---didn't get to sleep until midafternoon today. He was wanting to take tonight off, so he could get some sleep, but I told him he'd be doing all his sleeping tomorrow night. The last time I got a tooth pulled, I went to the same place and used Nitrious Oxide, which they are going to be using on him to put him out for a little bit, and I told him it's the best stuff but he'll be out for a while. I got to thinking about it, and he was right, he should have taken tonight off. Otherwise he'll be up all night tonight, with no chance for a break before his 11am appointment. And we still have to go and get his antibiotic!

But today went well. We met with a friend of mine from college, for "coffee" (the only one who drank coffee was my husband, I had a Raspberry/Banana smoothie, the kid had some OJ, and my friend---well, hers was mocha fudge something, so I guess that counts as coffee), and we went to Fashion Bug cause she had to return something. I looked around a bit, not that it matters since I'm pregnant and wouldn't be able to fit into anything or have anywhere to wear it. We found some earrings, and got those, including a pair that she liked cause they matched her necklace. What can I say, we're generous! It's interesting the difference in taste my husband and I have in earrings and other things. He can't stand dangle earrings of almost any kind, I gotta have some length at least, cause what's an earring if someone can't see them? Even if they just dangle a little bit! So, to bug him in part, the pair that I got because he wanted me to get a pair that I liked, or a set considering, were these big hoop ones in the shape of hearts. I don't particularly like the backs of them, but I thought they were pretty cool. Definitely not something I'm going to be wearing when I have the kid! :-)

April 19, 2005

Taking a minute.

Might as well take a moment while I have it. I'm working on dinner and am going to have to wake my husband up in a moment. But I haven't written here for a couple days, and I didn't want my limited fan base to think I'm not around anymore. Ha ha. I might disappear once in a while, but I'm not in a bad mood or anything (except for the occasional pregnancy mood swing that prompts my husband to lay off), so I'll pop my head in for a minute. I don't have the time to sit and write all I want, since today is after all a big day---the 10th Anniversary of the Oklahoma City Bombing, the day of the election of the new pope, etc. But I've got other things to do and on my mind. I might not get a real chance to sit back down in front of the computer and write a "book" as my mom and our penpal might call it, in blog form, until next week, as I approximate it, but it's just good to send out those tentacles once in a while. :-)

I will report, I wrote about 4 pages of my Bridges story this weekend. That's something, considering I was outside watching my kid and dealing with the other kids in the neighborhood while I was doing it. I've come to wonder if I'm going to have to worry about bullies for her, but I'm hoping not. I think she's the kind of kid whose going to open up her mouth and say something. She's been defending herself a lot more lately, with the one kid in the trailer park who's big trouble (let his family move away soon PLEASE!!!), so I think she's going to be able to handle herself okay, and if she runs into any problems I really think she's going to turn to us.

April 16, 2005

What happens if....

Have you ever wondered where you would end up if you hit "go to next blog" up in the right hand corner of the screen. Just to be curious (and waste time), I did. I went to someone's blog that was in Arabic (at least, it looked like the little scribbles I associate with Arabic---it's not like I can read it!!! :-\), then I went to...hm....someone whose blog had the picture of someone in a red and white turban like thing that, again, one might find in the Middle East, but it was in English, and I think they were writing commentary on the US government. I didn't read much from there either (like I could from any of the first one, ha ha), but I followed a link to a page they had linked to about Sen. Frist and animals. The next blog looks like some high schooler's, it was all black with interesting (well, for a high schooler) poetry, etc. Then I went to a blog of someone who I think is in college, recently broke up with their SO, then someone who must be in sports in Nashville, then some guy who found he was gay after he got married and had a couple kids, and he was relating his life as it is now. Very interesting, I think I'll blog surf some more later on. Now to finally go outside!

Starting the weekend.

Okay, I hate coming up with titles, but I don't feel right not having a title on my entries. I feel it important to get people ready for what they are about to read, though I'm not always very good at it. And I need the practice for my stories, so I keep putting a title up. Also, congratulate me. I've kept this blog going for almost a week now.

It's a typical weekend so far, really. Just staying at home, watching tv, not doing much of anything. Even though I have done a little cleaning, and I put something in the crockpot for dinner tonight. It was supposed to be last night's dinner, and I had something else I could have made in it's place, since I was so tired yesterday morning, but instead I convinced him to pay for dinner. Not hard to do, LOL. I also ended up going to WalMart and buying a few things for the new little one. :-) I just have to go to the store today and get some groceries, though not right away. I'll do it soon enough, I've got to sit down and make the list.

Otherwise, it's a really nice day out. I've insisted my daughter clean her room, though, cause it really needed it. She's almost done---I informed her how fast she gets it done shows how much she wants to go outside. It's such a nice day, and her friends are outside, she's almost done, and she's only been really working on it for about an hour, so that says something. I've always told her that, if I didn't think she could do something---such as clean her room---I wouldn't ask her to do it. It's amazing how things like that sink into kid's heads and stay there. It sorta goes along with the lesson my husband learned at work, don't show them you can do something, because then they'll always expect it, LOL. Of course, I think I also picked that up and maybe was even told that a few times by my mom too, so...

I'm looking forward to going outside. I'll just sit and work on my neighbor's layette, but it's so nice out there it's better to work on it outside than in. :-) I might also take my notebook out with me, since I didn't do anything yesterday, and slept through the time for it today, since it's the weekend. And I think I'll at least type up what more I have of the RW story this evening too. We'll just have to see how things go :-) If nothing else, I'll bring my journal along, it's been a few days since I wrote much in it, and I never finished talking about last weekend, since I was so eager to work on my stories on Thursday.

Finally, I found a bit of a disappointment in the newspaper last night. There is an ad for the job I WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!! What job is it, you might ask? It's a position as a Library Assistant (Technical). EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO DO. And I can't apply for it!!!! I'm pregnant, and I doubt they would hire a pregnant woman, especially considering when I'm due, and when the job is supposed to start. My husband suggested I put in an application anyhow, just with the request that they hold my application for the next time they need to fill the position and an explaination why I can't apply for the job now. I might do that. But I'm just a bit sad---I'm getting over it easily :-P---because it's the job I want. And even if I had another job right now, I'd have applied for it as soon as I saw it, if I wasn't pregnant!!!!!! But it's all okay, cause I'm looking forward to this little person coming along, and my family is the most important thing in my life :-D

April 15, 2005

A day off...

Yesterday I managed to get 2/3 of the folding I wanted to do done. Today, however, isn't going to be quite as productive. I haven't taken my hour and written. Instead, I took what amounts to be a 5 hour nap. What can I say, I was TIRED!!! But today I have a doctor's appointment, so I couldn't sleep all day. I was doing well, but I made that schedule flexible, just in case something like this happened. And the day isn't over yet, maybe I'll take some time and go in to write some still. I think you can probably bet on it.

Something good happened last night. The little one had yet to kick for daddy. Every time I would call him in while someone was kicking, or go in and lay down next to him and someone would kick, I'd have him put his hand on my belly, but someone would stop. It was getting down right wierd, and we were wondering if maybe someone didn't like daddy, or was playing games with us (yes, I know it's not really possible considering the state the person is in, but it never failed, someone never kicked when daddy had his hand on my belly!!!). Well, last night I was laying on the couch, and encouraged him to put his hand on my belly in this one spot that I can get some call and recall going with the kid while I'm laying there. He came in, just put his hand on my belly for a little bit, then decided to do some call recall of his own. Wouldn't you know it, someone reacted, so daddy finally felt a kick! Made me really happy, and I think daddy too!!!

April 14, 2005

Another day

I'm sick of making titles. But otherwise....

Today's been a good day so far. I wrote about 3 or 4 pages of my "Red Wing story," simply named so so far because most of the action has been at Red Wing right now. I worked on it because it caught my eye when I opened the notebook.

Otherwise, today hasn't been as productive as I'd like it to be. But I guess that's okay too. I ended up taking a rather long nap, well, maybe 2 and a half hours. In part because yesterday I didn't take any and I was bushed!!! I went to bed at something like 11 pm last night, where I usually go to bed about 1 am!!! I'm a night person...but yesterday I was dead by 10.

All I really have to do today is fold the clothes I didn't get to last night, and the dishes I didn't do. I was going to say not getting to those meant yesterday wasn't as productive as I thought it was, but I can't say that. I did a lot yesterday. And I feel good about it. Felt good yesterday :-).

Today I feel good too. If I at least sit down and do some writing, that's all I feel I'm required to do. That's a big point in my life, after the baby comes and I have more energy, then I'll be able to routinely do all the other things I have to do much easier. And I've written, so I can go about feeling good today and putting those feelings into whatever else I do :-D

April 13, 2005

My current journal--note the round graphic on the front. Posted by Hello

Just a day at a time.

I have to say, no matter how true it is, that has got to be my least favorite phrase. It doesn't make me grit my teeth the way that "Cool Beans" does (I can't stand that one because of a particular person also, but in a totally different way.), but it does give me a great big headache.

The reason why "Take it a day at a time" gets to me so is because, if I would have something I really wanted and was planning for, and I would start telling my mom about it, she would almost always say "let's take it one day at a time." Interestingly, she never said that about college. But she says that even about what she's going through now. A lot of times, such as with what she's going through now, I will admit it makes perfect sense. And frankly, you never have a choice BUT to take things one day at a time. My thought always is, though, that one has to have goals. Therefore, you have to plan and think ahead, which is what I was usually talking about when my mom would pop in with her "take it one day at a time." That, or hoping for the best. Somehow her saying that gave me the idea and the impression that she was and does expect the worst. I suppose that's not such a bad thing to expect---if you expect only the worst out of things and people, you will never be disappointed because through your thoughts and actions you make it a reality. If you expect the absolute best all the time, you will always be disappointed because no one can live up to anyone's false sense of reality. That's part of why, I expect what will come will come, even though sometimes I admit to falling prey to expecting either the best or the worst out of people and situations, and being either disappointed or surprised. I can't say I'm any more perfect than my mother, of course, but I try my best with what I know, which I have to admit is all she's ever done. Sometimes I see her life as being a very sad existence (which is what I know she's going through in her own mind right now), and I wonder how she gets through. She has no goals that I know of---I mean, other than bringing up my sister and I, and staying with my dad and making their relationship work for as long as it can---I'd be the last to knock those goals, as those are all I want for myself. Well, considering my life, they are the LEAST I want for myself, as being the best mom and wife I can be are the basis for my life and those two titles, labels, whatever are both the only ones (besides daughter, daughter in law, and writer) that I will keep and gladly accept from the outside world. But I also want so much more, and I wonder sometimes if there is anymore my mom wants. I see her life not as pointless (she's one of the most wonderful people on the face of the earth, my best friend, my mentor, a beacon for me, someone I go to for advice, that's why it's so hard for me right now knowing she is not in a condition right now where she can fill those roles, and it hurts me so bad to see her hurting.), not as having no goals or impacts to make. But looking at how I'm trying to shape my own life, I wonder if she has any goals right now. I mean, with all that's going on in the family---a new grandchild, my sister's wedding---I can't see how she might not see a reason to live, or a reason to make goals that, admittedly, could be a long time coming to completion, but that the only way she can start filling them is working now. Once I was talking with my dad about my mom---something we do often, after a visit or just in the evenings to console ourselves because of the loss we feel with her so far away right now, and it's always amazing how alike we feel---and he made mention that, if she were in state, close, where we could go visit her every day (that's where I'd be right now if she was in the next town over, where I'm really hoping she can be, because I was there at least 10 minutes a day, everyday, when she was in the next town over, whether I had classes or my internship or what), he'd be there, helping her, giving her support, being a crutch, heck, doing most of the work, walking her from one end of a hall to the other. I told him I'd be right there with him, under the other arm, especially if I wasn't pregnant (anymore, as it may look). So many times, we said we'd give her our lungs, our kidneys, we'd change places with her in a heart beat. It just doesn't seem as if she finds a reason to make the goals she needs to, it seems if she thinks she's stuck where she is and all the worst happened to her because it was supposed to and there's no way she can get out of where she is. Well, I won't disagree that what happened to her happened for a reason. Everything does. But she's supposed to grow and learn from it, not just sit and wallow in it.

All of which in a round-about way brings me around to where I can talk about myself again (ha ha), and even more maybe explain to those who might have misunderstood where I was coming from with my post yesterday. I don't see myself as a chronically depressed person. For one, I've always been so positive, in high school and even now. I don't like my down moments, which is probably what makes them so much harder for me to go through. I have a friend who has told me countless times that she's amazed how well I've handled everything that's been thrown into my life recently---the garbage with my mom's health, even the somewhat surprising arrival of the new person. In part, it's because, when I do get depressed, I retreat into myself. I will ask for help and go to a psychologist when I feel it's getting really bad, or whatever's going on is something I feel I really can't handle, or I just need something of a reality check---there were at least 2 instances of that when I was in the middle two years of college, and once in high school, when I made appointments. I always got the reaction that I was fairly normal, what I was going through was normal, and that I was handling it in the right way. Somewhat of a surprise, sometimes I think, because of my family's history---my grandmother being certified (literally), my mom being chronically depressed or, as my dad thinks might be the case, suffering from Post Tramatic Stress Disorder due to her childhood and grandma being certified, as well as my mom's sister deserving to stay in Jone's Hill (I swear, if anyone ever says something like that to my sister again, that SHE belongs in Jone's Hill---oh, I swear I'll bean them myself!!!!!!!!!!). But I don't let everyone always know about every little thing. Because I'm so "normal", I know sometimes I can pull myself out of whatever funk I'm in, and set myself straight and on my feet.

So what I did this time was to sit and do some serious thinking. Writing it out always helps, as I have started doing every day (again, finally!!!) in a really nice journal I picked up at the bookstore a few months ago, with this really cool round pattern on the front of it. I wrote about all the stuff that was driving me crazy, and made little notations about how I was going to fix one of the things (money. It's always money don't ya know?). Then, in part thanks to my husband's little quip about hormones and how I have to be careful about how upset I get and how the hormones will affect the kid (not that I don't agree...and it helped get me out of the funk at the time), and in part because of looking back at the entries I had made, I decided to take a step back and look at how I was reacting to things, and maybe rethink it all. I considered the times when I did the best, or close to it, felt the best, when I felt the most in control, etc. While certainly the house was nearly always in some sort of a mess, the times I felt most in control, and felt life moved most smoothly, were when I had some sort of structure. Now, it was a disaster when I was in the Army (in part because they are just not flexible enough for love :-P), but I got along okay during college, especially during the school year, in part I think because I knew where and when I had to be somewhere. I think knowing I was doing SOMETHING worthwhile helped too, but it was structure. So I figured I had to find some sort of structure. Also, it was when I was doing something productive. Well, look around. There are a lot of productive things I could be doing during the day. Cleaning, crocheting (omg, you mean sometimes that's not enough. I've been crocheting the whole time!!!), most importantly WRITING. That's part of why I went to college, it makes me feel complete...so I gave myself a schedule. I also made myself understand that this schedule has to be flexible (look, it's soaking up over an hour now where I could be cleaning!), and may (ha ha, will) change when the baby comes. I didn't schedule out every hour, just time frames. A few hours in the morning when I can write. A few in the afternoon to clean. I wrote in an expectation of a 2 hour nap. I wrote in time for me, time for my family, time to make us dinner. Since I wrote this schedule up, and the time for it's implimentation began, I think I've done okay. There are days where I will mess it up, I won't follow it, for one reason or another---a scheduling conflict between the schedule and an appointment, taking a nap longer than 3 hours, etc---but I've got to===*sigh*===take it all one day at a time, with an eye on my goals.

So, what have I done so far today? Well, I have to say, one thing I find a bit amazing is that I have yet to go down for my daily nap. I wrote 4 whole pages of my current story. I think that's the most I've done so far. When I realized I didn't want to take a nap, and contemplating what I need to get done for today, I made myself a list on one of my dry erase boards I have hanging around the house. It started off with making a couple phone calls I had to make, then I have 2 baskets of clothes to fold---3 when I get the load I have in the washer dry. I also have to do dishes. But I'm really proud of myself, because it's only the dishes from the actual baking of the Swedish Meatballs last night, and not a whole pile like usual :-(/:-). Since it's the day before payday, I want to get the checks for bills written so they can be sent out tomorrow. I have made the calls, washed the towels (just have to transfer them to the dryer), put the dishes in the sink---and completed tasks not on "today's" list, but on another list I have, for all the things I have to clean in the house. I've been wanting to dismantle my desk, sort out all the shelves and the organizers I have. My shelves look a lot better, and while I don't have all my writing stuff organized quite how I wanted it, I do have some of those organizers looking a lot better. I even further sorted the stuff I brought into the living room to give my attention to.

So, the day wasn't even half over (I turned the tv off at 9, and didn't turn it back on until noon to "watch" the news...which I changed it to Unsolved Mysteries instead, ha ha), and I already felt accomplished. I think my biggest accomplishment were the 4 pages I wrote. I'm hoping I can pick up the same amount of momentum when I start work on the other stories I have in the wings, the ones from my Creative Writing class that I have to continue and/or edit. I'm proud of me, I know I've accomplished something important to me, and that makes me feel good. It makes me feel whole.

April 12, 2005

Long Time No Blog

It's been almost 2 months since I've blogged. I really haven't been that busy, just tired and a bit down. Now I'm working on being in a better mood and actually doing things, not taking all day naps anymore.

I started to realize how depressed I was, sleeping a lot always being a symptom, besides how dang cranky I'd be (my husband would ask me what's the difference, I'm always cranky), and since I don't like being depressed and down, and I don't like depressed people (though at times my life seems full of them---or at least full of their problems), so I decided to pull myself up by my boot straps and get my butt in gear.

One thing that I've been working on is cleaning the house. I finally managed to get help with both our bedroom and the living room. I've cleaned a portion of my kitchen---the fridge and the stove top, which was really starting to get grungy. I've got to finish the rest of the kitchen---wipe down the counter tops, organize a few things, fill a few others.

Also, I've been working on things for the baby. I've got a nice layette in a color yarn I like. I've got a blanket in a pattern I like, and the sweater and bonnet so far as well. The layette pattern doesn't have a blanket pattern in it, so I made a blanket pattern I liked. There is a set of booties that goes with the layette pattern, but I found another pair I liked in another book and made those. I have enough yarn left, I'll probably go and make the pair that goes with the sweater and bonnet.

I'm also making a layette for a neighbor who is also pregnant. I found a sweet ombre called Giggle Prints in Red Heart Baby Soft. I'm using a Lilac that I've had for a little while that brings out the lavender/purple/lilac in the Giggle Prints.

Finally, and most importantly to me, I've made a commitment to start writing every day. Well, at least on the weekdays. I need some time off, you know. So far it's worked, I wrote 3 pages worth yesterday and 2 today. I'm very proud of that, they flowed well. Now I just have to---well, finish that story, and work on the others I've got.