July 28, 2007

One more, then bed

So I got thinking about the theme that seems to be running through my head lately.

I checked myself, thought about it for a few minutes, and found that, yes, I still feel lost. Right down half the time to what I'm supposed to be doing at that moment sometimes.

But a thought occurred to me. Let me see if I can recreate it in my mind first....


Well, I can tell for sure I'm not scared. I've stated before, I've got my family around me. They are the why for everything. Staying home with my babies, being a wife to my hubby, being who I am and enjoying what I do. Where we're going and how we're going to be able to take care of what we have to take care of is beyond me right now.

I want to know why I feel so stuck and out of sorts. The out of sorts part to some degree has always been there. I'm where I'm supposed to be and with who I'm supposed to be with, but the rest of it just feels off. I can't totally explain it.

And I don't know why things aren't clicking for me. Why I've got the problems I do---why I can't get that brass ring I'm supposed to be able to. I mean, I'm smart and sweet and kind and full of potential, but I'm just not living up to it. And I'm strong, I can get through anything because I was given a very happy, safe and secure base. But it feels like after I get to the idea portion, it just all sorta fizzles out. And I don't see why. I haven't had any major problems in my life, other than the Depo Provera....that's it. That's the worst. I had great parents, a great childhood---everything should be going RIGHT, why is it going so WRONG???

I'll figure it all out one day, for now I've got to get to bed. We're going to the fair tomorrow :-) My dh has the evening off :-)