July 22, 2007

Starting to gain some understanding.

First, I want to make a note: Thank you Cindy :-)

I've been thinking lately, I feel a bit lost. I don't know...well, a lot of things. In general, about life, I feel sorta like I've reached a plateau. A way I put it earlier is I'm on a road in the middle of the night (or, now I'm thinking, a moonless night), and I can't see anything. Another way I came up with (just now too), is that we're on a camping trip, and it's the middle of the night. We're not even at a state park (like the camping trip we recently had), but out in the middle of the wilderness...I've got what's most important to me---my family and who I am---but I don't know where we're going, I don't know what's coming next, we're just sitting, waiting for the next day. We might be asleep---I think we're past the point where we can see anything around us by the campfire light. And I definitely feel like I'm waiting for the next thing, maybe in some sort of slumber or suspended motion. All I can see---or feel---is what's most important to me---again, my family and who I am.

I've been thinking about sitting down with my journal and trying to figure this all out. I've gotten this far thanks to talking with Cindy (which is why she deserves some thanks). And now I've sorta constructed (?) the idea of where I am, and I feel the obligation to figure out where I'm going from here---but not totally. I mean, figuring out where from here would seem the most logical step. Evaluating where I am, where I've been, and thus where I'm going and where I want to go, and the steps it takes to get there. But I don't feel the need to just yet. And no matter what I do, I feel COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY CONFUSED.

I know there are some plans I made before having P that still exist---I'm still a writer (I just haven't written in about 4 months :-(-grrr), I still have a desire and a deep seated need to create, however that maybe, I want the candle biz to succeed so I can stay home with P (okay, that one's not from before I had him, but after), I want to eventually work in a library, I want to live in Colorado....but I'm just totally lost. I feel like I'm waiting for a lightning bolt to come out of the sky (not literally, those are too scary no matter how cool they are to watch), but I don't want it to be too bad, ya know? We've got so many bills hanging over our heads, I feel worried that the lightning bolt will not be good, which helps me feel confused and freezes me up.

So what have I discovered in this?

1. I know my priorities=my family and being me.
2. I don't know where we're going from here.
3. I don't want the catalist for finding out to be something bad.
4. I know I "should" be figuring all this out, but I'm just too scared to.

Yeah, I think that's about it. There is one big thing in my life that is improving...my body seems to be renewing itself, with losing the weight while I go to Weight Watchers, and reestablishing the hormones that most other ladies are used to dealing with. I got used to them from 12-20, now I have to figure out navigating that stormy sea all over again. With 2 kids :-\ One of whom will be learning herself soon as well!

Well, I've got to hit the hay as I need to get up early tomorrow to deliver papers then head up to Buffalo for a get together. Take care for now :-)