Forgiveness

I would much rather be doing this over on Wordpress, but it doesn't seem to want to open up right now, so I guess I'll be talking about this here.

So, this afternoon, I was going through my email like I do a million times a day, and I noticed something interesting. I've mentioned my ex-best friend on here a few times, each time calling her just that, my ex-best friend because that's what she is. Well, I noticed an email from her on the one group we both happen to be in---we weren't in this one when we were friends, but we obviously came to it for much the same reason afterwards. I don't know if it existed before or not, but that's neither here nor there. But, the interesting thing about the email I noticed was her name now.

She got married. Now, you might think that, given the way we parted ways and the fact that I refer to her the way I do, I'd be nasty about this fact in one way or another---but while there were a couple interesting comments from myself and T when I talked to him about it...more than anything, I'm really really happy for her. I don't know if she reads this or not---if she does---well then, yes dear, I do check up on you once in a while, and I do notice your comings and goings at least on the one list, and I do still care some about you. I've noticed you've had some...goings on?...with your new hubby on different networking websites. And yes. I'm very happy that you have managed to find yourself someone to love. I never wanted anything less for you, even though yes I have tried my hardest to completely distance myself from you. It's not that I never had the inclination to email her either. I have sometimes, especially lately in examining myself and my newly refound Christianity. But as far as things like that, I think some things are better off left well enough alone. We've both grown quite a bit since we parted ways...it's sometimes said there are some people who are there with you for a time and a season, and some special people are there for a lifetime. I think with her, it was just for a time. A long time---13 years. I've had closer friends for much longer :-| Mhmmm...much closer :-S :-P Much longer.

The reason I think all this is possible? Because of forgiveness. Now, I'm not saying (in case she's reading) that the exact reason why we parted ways (if you don't know what it is, honey, I feel really sorry for you. It's obvious and even your mother knows.) is all I'm forgiving her for either. That's it's own issue, but I've dealt with our side of that. No, there are things that happened before that...in the year or so before it, that cut me much deeper. I was feeling unsettled about it before we parted ways, but I was willing to at least put up with it for that time. I wrote a post where I talked about forgiving her. It took a while to find it, but I did. And I think this is the first place God really worked in my life. Because within just months, I felt NOTHING when I (think I) saw her. If it was her, then I'm sure she knows when I'm talking about. And I've now come around to the point where I'm happy to hear about such a wonderful event in her life---well, 2. Because she got married in April, and of course her birthday was yesterday, the 9th (You didn't think I really forgot, did you?). I'm happy to see her smile in one of the pictures I've seen of her, because I know how good it feels to feel that happy and be that in love, and I'm happy to see she's found that in someone. Because she was never as happy as she could be when she was with the guy who she was with when we parted ways. I'm glad someone's made an honest woman of her, she deserves it. We all deserve the love and happiness being truly in love can bring.

Long time no see.....

It's been over 2 months since I last wrote here. Things have been going, which is the least that could be said. Unfortunately, that same old midnight monster has struck again, and seems to be working hard to derail everything for me. My dishes aren't washed (though I was going really well for a while there, every night, and it won't take long to get them all taken care of :-D), but my floor is mostly picked up, my futon is clear, my living room is decent, my trash has been taken out, our clothes are caught up on, and everyone has been fed and bathed. I think all in all that makes it a really good day :-) I got a short walk when at WalMart to fill P's 'script (lil guy's sick, running a bit of a fever, and seems to have a bit of fluid in one ear), even though it wasn't what I wanted.

I am now at 37.8 pounds lost. That means that I have 2.2 more to go until I get to my previous weight loss, and this time nothing --- no emotional blow, no decrease in money (because I will always find a way to make sure that $39.95 is in the bank!), nothing will derail me from getting as far as I need to this time. Even a SMALL loss (and we have all had one of those!!!) is still a LOSS. :-) That's all I'm looking for! I've changed my life, changed my diet, and plan on being able to manage those and the periodic cravings I get for things that don't fit into them. No more eating whole bags of Doritos all the time --- unless they cost 99¢ --- No more multiple bowls of whatever dinner is every night. I might do that with a Core meal here and there, but not on a regular basis. Heck, tonight was the first time I've made one dinner for the majority of the house, and a different one for me. Because I REFUSE to eat pasta that is not whole wheat if I can help it!!! Heck, I can't tell you the last time I had full fat and/or milk cheese. I actually have grown to LIKE soy cheese!!! My favorite is STILL cheddar flavored!!! :-) Also, while I was getting the 'script, I wandered through the clothes. And I TRIED SOMETHING ON. In size 22/24. The one thing, a shirt dress, was a bit tight in the usual areas---but the usual areas didn't stress it out as bad as 38 pounds ago. The outfit (a nice shirt and pants) felt GREAT, and didn't look all that bad either. And who knows---maybe I'll find $11 to buy a pair of those pants. Nice and comfy!!! So, my next goal weight is my street address (which is kinda funny but kinda embarrassing, especially if you know my street address :-S), and my next body goal is to make 22/24 LOOSE!!!!

Something I have not discussed before now...I've started to search for the lay of my spiritual path again, this time much more involved and exact than I had before. I had all those pagan books, but I never really read them. Something about them did not feel right. I have returned to my roots, and some time ago convinced myself that I am actually a Christian. While it said somewhere in the Bible not to hide your light under a bushel---it's not something I'm publicizing either! :-\ But I have so many books I got off of PaperBack Swap, and I've started reading one of them. I will eventually read The Purpose Driven Life, as that's one of the books I got from PBS. Heck, it will probably be my NEXT book. I'm eager to read it.

So, what all brought this on? I'm not totally sure. Maybe some of it is knowing the blessings our former neighbors have received by leading a life in Christ, and having ZHOP. Part of it is finally being honest to myself that what I need spiritually is something I can be honest to everyone else about. Sure, I'm not supposed to worry about what others think---but, thing is, it's uncomfortable to have this "secret." Maybe it's just time for me. I also found a verse that I LOVE, and speaks to who I really feel I am. Proverbs 31: 10-31. It talks about a good wife, something I strive to be for my husband, though I do admit I often falter. But it led me to a great site, Proverbs 31 Ministries. This path, however, does not mean that I have left all my "alternative" views behind. By no means have I. But it means that I am looking for what's best for me, the best fit, the truth.

So, what have I done so far? Well, I made a donation to those same neighbors. It might sound a bit selfish, but considering the pressure I feel about finances, I prayed for some help/relief in that area. And I made a realization today.

I was thinking about my friend who died 7 1/2 years ago, and how we will see each other again once that day comes. And it hit me---that whole concept does not simply apply to those who have already passed on---sometimes it applies to those we have removed ourselves from in this life, who still live. And I was filled with some peace. The reason I had such a problem with WW the first time, after a while, was because of the emotional blow I received when my ex best friend and I quit being friends. Recently, she's tried to contact me again. I didn't have as much of a problem with it this time---but it still left me unsettled. It hit and hurt pretty bad the first time, it gets rehashed each time somehow she comes into my life again. Always on the computer.

And something else has happened. I don't care if she reads this (because I know it's possible). I just don't think she realized how bad I was hurt, and to what extent I was hurt. I don't know if she ever will. And it's not just because of the final conversation we had---there was a lot more involved than that. But, I forgive her. Forgiving her (you?) is not for HER (YOU), it's for ME, it's something I need in order to go on with my life and FULLY recover. I have come a long way, I think this is the last thing I need, and I will leave it behind me. Don't expect me to talk to her, I just won't throw a fit inside, if ykwim.

So, for my candle biz you can check that blog. For crochet updates, you can check that blog too. For writing, go right ahead and see over there. This is life. Real life. My life.

Til I write here again...

Later Days! :-)